My Happiness

I shouldn’t say this but I’m happy. Chopra said it will disappear as soon as I acknowledge it. But it’s not gone yet. I’m just really happy. What does it feel like? Well it’s going to be different for me than it will be for you. If what I feel could be made into a scene in my life movie it would be described like this:

The sky is a mix between royal blue and the blue that glaciers sometimes get. The sun is huge and orange. The grass is emerald green and soft. Everything is in its most vivid color. It’s the perfect temperature where I’m perfectly warm but there’s a breeze that just helps me breathe in the air deeper. Like it’s pushing all of nature into me with every breath. I’m lying on that grass and I can hear the crashing waves of the ocean. My land is on top of a cliff. Of course the edge has a fence – it makes me feel safe. While I lay there, eyes closed, sun warming my face I can hear my dogs running around playing. They’re full of joy and freedom. I’m enveloped in everything that inspires me. Sometimes I picture the house behind me. I can’t see it too good yet but so far what I know is that it’s cream colored stucco. Spanish style. It has flowering vines covering part of the wall and the vines are slowly creeping to the upstairs balcony with the big French doors. For some reason I’m in jeans …not sure what that means. But life is beautiful and I’m perfectly happy. That is what my happiness looks like.

What would yours look like?

Sad Is an Understatement

We're all family here so I'll tell you all a little secret that I hide away most of the time.

Depression. (Queue scary music).

Yes Jenny Fitmagnet has gone through times of depression. I'm not ashamed of it. I don't go around shouting it from the rooftops because the truth is that I learned how to control it. I'm not going to go into the positive thinking rant (although I may later on) but I am going to go on an education rant.

I remember as a small child being sad for no reason. I don't know maybe I would act that way to get attention. I mean what does a 5 year old have to feel sad about right? Anyhoo, the sadness was ignored. Then in elementary school I moved from one school to another and lets just say the sadness and anxiety intensified. OMG I just remember crying every single day in 5th grade! Now let me tell you this - (I believe in God by the way) - God was very good to me. Instead of allowing myself to isolate myself in a corner to cry HE/SHE brought me new friends. I was never alone, I was never an outcast, I had friends that were kind enough to just let me cry. Isn't that sweet?

Then puberty hit and holy mother of all goodness PMS hit me. PMS for me at twelve was insane. It was the first time that I realized that I had a bad problem. Depression. While I would feel a little sad every day normally, 2 weeks out of the month I was terribly depressed. I'm talking wearing black, closing the blinds, locking my bedroom door, sleeping or writing horribly depressing poetry.

Now here's where the lines get blurry. Was I depressed because of a hormonal imbalance? Or was I depressed because I was overweight and insecure? Probably both. At 16 I began to see a psychologist. The first guy was this quack that changed his accent every time he spoke to my parents. He would talk normally to me then when he spoke to my Colombian parents (they had a spanish accent) suddenly he was speaking like he just got off a plane from his native country. And i'm supposed to ask this guy for help? Anyhoo, the second doctor was racist. So he lasted a couple of weeks and that was it. Then the third doctor was a charm. She was a beautiful, smart, compassionate woman that helped me sort out the mess in my brain.

The shrink sessions helped but come PMS time I was still a mess. Finally I'm 18 and I think hmmmm time to get me some birth control pills. I'm a liberated woman why the hell not?! Well to tell you the truth I was brought up Catholic by my mother who is nearly a saint and my father who almost became a priest (no lie). So my liberation was a secret for a long long time LOL.

Wouldn't you know it that my depression lessened (it wasn't the sex believe me - Catholic guilt still kept that under wraps lol). Then my oldest sister told me that to avoid cramps she would take the birth control pill without the 1 week break you're supposed to take. I tried that and low and behold depression was out of here!

Fast forward to November of this year 2010. Life was a little hectic. I took a vacation to Florida and missed a couple of pills. My parents and sister visited from Florida and I missed a couple of pills. Thanksgiving came and went and I missed a couple of pills. See where I'm going here? Let's just say I hit a depression wall at 90 miles per hour. One day my boyfriend comes into the office and I'm sobbing. He asks "What's the matter?" and I say "I don't know I'm just sad" and he says "About what", Me "I don't know I'm just depressed", Him "Did I do anything? Can I do anything for you?", Me "No I just have to ride it out". It was such a pathetic scene. At least I had the mindset to start taking the damn pill right away and to work out. That was one thing that I was grateful for that my workout addiction was still in the forefront.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that depression is real. It happens to the happiest of us. It's ok. Just get help. If you can't do it on your own then its OK to get a little pill help. Don't be embarrassed because after all at the end of the day who are you left with? Yourself! Do you want to be stuck with a Debby Downer? No!!! So if you feel depressed start researching it. Find ways to elevate your mood. For me it was as simple as going on birth control. You may need Zoloft who knows! Just don't feel hopeless and let yourself suffer.

Here's a great website that can get you started:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml